How Building a Business is my Next Step in Healing my Relationship to Money and Self-Trust
Like many 90’s kids, I spent the majority of my middle school weekends at McDonald’s, Foster Freeze and Subway. Unlike many 90’s kids, I was there observing business negotiations and a practice of backing down from dreams.
Growing up, my dad was a laboring mechanic. He welded, wrenched and hoisted tree shakers and other large orchard machinery for too many hours for too many years and over time, both shoulders and both wrists were ripped and torn and then stitched back together by one surgeon after another in Yuba City, CA. I grew up seeing my black-belt, superhero dad in a lot of hospital gowns and hearing even more about “rotator cuffs” as a kid who was foreign to shoulder pain. Eventually, my dad could no longer use the one tool that had given him a sense of self-worth and financial sustenance – his body.
As a pivot, somehow, he and my mom landed on a dream of owning a franchise as a new financial venture.
My dad is a meticulous, humble, caring and honest man – he would have been an excellent store manager. We spent several weekends of several months driving 30 minutes or 5 hours in our white Dodge mini caravan to different fast food restaurants up and down Northern California. Each meeting ended in enthusiasm from the franchise owner and an “Ok, nice to meet you, thank you very much!” from my dad, followed by a handshake and happy smile.
There would be an excitement from the opportunity. But triggers were not pulled. Deals were not made.
I’ve told this story several times to friends. It makes me feel frustrated at my dad. It makes me feel sad for my dad. It motivates me to do better than my dad. But it’s clear that I’ve been flirting with the same behavior 30 years later. And suddenly, I’m the same age my dad was when he was choosing fear and excessive financial caution over self-trust – a key component of wealth building and healing, I’m finding.
I’ve been thinking about, talking about, and some weeks actually “doing” my business for the past 1-5 years. The years are a range because I never fully committed to my dreams (I’ll likely write about this later), but in the process, I’ve finally realized that perfectionism or its cousin “excellence” are just fear in a suit. Though my dad might have been waiting for the perfect financial situation - he was also waiting for permission to bet on himself – permission that he’d never get or more precisely, give to himself. Humbly, turns out I’ve been doing the same thing, just in a 21st century, millennial type of way.
But I’m also understanding that a commitment doesn’t always happen with a snap and a date. A commitment (like a marriage) is a daily practice (duh, Jane).
So these days, what I’m committed to is building up my muscle of self-trust and sharing my full-self with the world beyond my own brain, especially if it’s scary. This is what I believe I’m meant to do in this lifetime. This post is one rep of that.
Three other ways I’ve been practicing self-trust include:
Building up a healing-centered leadership and financial wellness business, while not exactly knowing what it will become (or if it will “succeed”)
Continuing my practice of writing but this time sharing it out loud (in-person or virtually)
Healing inner wounds by reminding myself that no one expects me to be flawless, my presence is a gift to the world, and to have fun and lighten up!
And so, with laughter, joy and my mantra to LIGHTEN (TF) UP! here’s to my journey of building a business and sharing more of myself as a commitment to trusting, loving and rooting for myself. Please let me know if you’re rooting for me, too! I certainly need it. :)
With love and breath,
Jane